Autism and Love have nothing to do with each other? Here are 5 things I
learned from an autistic couple.
I never thought I
would do this: write an article on love and relationships. And I never thought
I would use “autism” as a positive example of how relationships should be
conducted. But as life is not always about planning and thinking – I am
thankful to share my experience on how two people, diagnosed with autism,
taught me about loving.
She loves clothes. Skirts and shirts we would not associate with
society-appropriate styles, but she absolutely shows she likes wearing them.
Her parents had migrated from another country, and even though she speaks both
languages perfectly, she sometimes has troubles in writing. I met her as a
caring and friendly person, sometimes confused by rules and structures. She is
interested in everyone surrounding her and asks many questions.
He loves eating, even though he is allergic against many things. When he
talks, his fingers start trembling, which does not correspond to his attitude
of speaking very slow. He always uses full sentences and every word he’s
sharing seems to be well selected. When he is starting an action, he prepares
every step on it. He knows when the busses are running and is informed about
opening times in supermarkets. I am impressed about the details in life, he is
caring about.
Both have autism. In our society ‘autism’ is associated with a lack of empathy
and less emotional understanding. People having autism are not able to love –
that’s what we think.
I work with autistic
people for seven years now. She and he both joined my intervention groups
for more than one year in order to meet people who are supposed to be alike.
We’ve spent nights cooking, playing games and just talking about life.
Sometimes I did not feel any difference between people having autism and
myself. The only impression I had is that their lives included more obstacles
than my own one. Love could be one of them.
I remember when they
first met, it took them two hours until they’d ask for each other’s name – and
two more meetings to exchange numbers. In the meanwhile, I observed small tryouts
of interaction, such as choosing a sitting place next to each other and shy
looks trying to start a conversation. I also observed caring and attention,
small gestures and thankful moments when the other person replied as hoped.
For half a year they would
attend our group meetings, but not date each other outside that context. The
first time they actually spent time together, happened when she was sick. He
offered to accompany her to the doctors. That was the first attempt towards a
caring relationship.
swiping your love life
Different situation -
I attended a supervision course in physical therapy, in which I didn’t know any
of the other attendees before. Our trainer asked us to start our session by
talking. Everyone should share his biography, current questions in life and
thoughts. One woman talked about being overwhelmed with two small children.
Another one was searching for love. A third person mentioned troubles in job,
while another one reflected on her marriage. Three hours later I felt impressed
by the density life just caused on these square meters our sitting circle
comprised.
Swipe left, swipe
right. The first one has blond hair; the next one is wearing sunglasses, one
has black hair, another one is photographed with an alpine landscape in the
background. Biographies are passing by as clouds or water. Later that evening:
I was having a beer with some friends, chatting and joking until one of them
starts ‘tindering’ on his phone. As I have never used the application before,
he passes me his phone: “You can pick for me!” I start scrolling and deciding.
Soon I was swiping by biographies. Biographies that where likely to be just as
intense as in my training course. This is how love in my surroundings is
conducted. Fast. Way to fast. If you saw one drop, you still don’t know about
the ocean. time
What my couple with
autism taught me the most was the value of time. And that love needs time. I
remember small moments of interactions, which got closer and closer but not too
close to overwhelm them. In my generation I often observe a fast lane towards
love which usually ends with a hard crash. We jump onto emotional territories,
we do not know, even though we consider ourselves as experts. Yes, we all might
have been in relationships or affairs before – but every new person consists of
completely individually shaped and complex formed memories and thoughts. We
need time to sense and understand who we are meeting. One of my biggest wishes
still is, to have time for a detailed observation. I am curious how someone
walks, start talking, and breathes. One swipe on Tinder won’t do this job.
focus
What I admire about
my autistic couple was the focus and precision they included in their meetings.
There was only one person – the other one. I believe that, if we are facing
someone new our emotional capacity can only last for one person, which also
demands a lot of patience and courage.
curiosity
“Do you first want to
go to the supermarket and then to the bakery, or the other way around?” During
our meet-ups I would count many questions for each other from both sides.
Questions on daily routines or on preferences. I know so many couples not
asking questions anymore, because they think they know everything. They rely on
their intuition, their own life experience and from what they consider having
learned about other people. But people change concepts, goals and needs – and
asking is a friendly way of meeting them. My observations towards my autistic
couple always were subtitled with the words ‘respect’ and ‘compassion’, when
questions filled the space.
attention
From my working
background, I can say, that physical interaction in our society happens in a
very confusing way. We shake hands with close friends or we have sex with
strangers we don’t know their name. We
all consider ourselves to “know” how sexuality and touch work out – even though
every’body’ consists of completely different needs and feelings. I often met
people – men and women alike -, who proudly presented me their counting list of
sexual contacts which would award them as heroes in bed. What I often miss
about these explanations were terms of ‘listening’ and ‘empathy’, which I
personally consider as the most important traits for love and sexuality. I
learned that empathic touch in relationships demands a lot of asking. For my
autistic friends, touch was a completely new territory, they never walked on
before. Observing their physical interaction often reminded me on walking on
Martian surface – packed with curiosity and attention.
acceptance
“Yes, my boyfriend
has this absolutely weird behavior. I need to make him stop it.” I hear these
kinds of sentences so many times. People with autism are often judged showing atypical
behaviors, such as counting things or following very strict routines. What I
would observe following the autistic couple in my group was that they would
absolutely value the other one’s weird behavior. When I asked them about it,
they would answer: “Because it is important!”
All in all, my
autistic friends introduced me to soft qualities I sometimes would love to see
increase in our daily life. I believe we should appreciate and respect love (or
even friendship) as a great gift and not as a constant way of consuming things.
If one would ask me,
how people with autism love, I would sum it up like this: No Tinder. No
Fast-Food-Love. No fake expertise. But listening to each other.
