how two people with autism would teach me about love

Autism and Love have nothing to do with each other? Here are 5 things I learned from an autistic couple. 

I never thought I would do this: write an article on love and relationships. And I never thought I would use “autism” as a positive example of how relationships should be conducted. But as life is not always about planning and thinking – I am thankful to share my experience on how two people, diagnosed with autism, taught me about loving. 

She loves clothes. Skirts and shirts we would not associate with society-appropriate styles, but she absolutely shows she likes wearing them. Her parents had migrated from another country, and even though she speaks both languages perfectly, she sometimes has troubles in writing. I met her as a caring and friendly person, sometimes confused by rules and structures. She is interested in everyone surrounding her and asks many questions.

He loves eating, even though he is allergic against many things. When he talks, his fingers start trembling, which does not correspond to his attitude of speaking very slow. He always uses full sentences and every word he’s sharing seems to be well selected. When he is starting an action, he prepares every step on it. He knows when the busses are running and is informed about opening times in supermarkets. I am impressed about the details in life, he is caring about.

Both have autism. In our society ‘autism’ is associated with a lack of empathy and less emotional understanding. People having autism are not able to love – that’s what we think. 

I work with autistic people for seven years now. She and he both joined my intervention groups for more than one year in order to meet people who are supposed to be alike. We’ve spent nights cooking, playing games and just talking about life. Sometimes I did not feel any difference between people having autism and myself. The only impression I had is that their lives included more obstacles than my own one. Love could be one of them.

I remember when they first met, it took them two hours until they’d ask for each other’s name – and two more meetings to exchange numbers. In the meanwhile, I observed small tryouts of interaction, such as choosing a sitting place next to each other and shy looks trying to start a conversation. I also observed caring and attention, small gestures and thankful moments when the other person replied as hoped.

For half a year they would attend our group meetings, but not date each other outside that context. The first time they actually spent time together, happened when she was sick. He offered to accompany her to the doctors. That was the first attempt towards a caring relationship. 

swiping your love life

Different situation - I attended a supervision course in physical therapy, in which I didn’t know any of the other attendees before. Our trainer asked us to start our session by talking. Everyone should share his biography, current questions in life and thoughts. One woman talked about being overwhelmed with two small children. Another one was searching for love. A third person mentioned troubles in job, while another one reflected on her marriage. Three hours later I felt impressed by the density life just caused on these square meters our sitting circle comprised.

Swipe left, swipe right. The first one has blond hair; the next one is wearing sunglasses, one has black hair, another one is photographed with an alpine landscape in the background. Biographies are passing by as clouds or water. Later that evening: I was having a beer with some friends, chatting and joking until one of them starts ‘tindering’ on his phone. As I have never used the application before, he passes me his phone: “You can pick for me!” I start scrolling and deciding. Soon I was swiping by biographies. Biographies that where likely to be just as intense as in my training course. This is how love in my surroundings is conducted. Fast. Way to fast. If you saw one drop, you still don’t know about the ocean. 

time

What my couple with autism taught me the most was the value of time. And that love needs time. I remember small moments of interactions, which got closer and closer but not too close to overwhelm them. In my generation I often observe a fast lane towards love which usually ends with a hard crash. We jump onto emotional territories, we do not know, even though we consider ourselves as experts. Yes, we all might have been in relationships or affairs before – but every new person consists of completely individually shaped and complex formed memories and thoughts. We need time to sense and understand who we are meeting. One of my biggest wishes still is, to have time for a detailed observation. I am curious how someone walks, start talking, and breathes. One swipe on Tinder won’t do this job.

focus

What I admire about my autistic couple was the focus and precision they included in their meetings. There was only one person – the other one. I believe that, if we are facing someone new our emotional capacity can only last for one person, which also demands a lot of patience and courage.

curiosity

“Do you first want to go to the supermarket and then to the bakery, or the other way around?” During our meet-ups I would count many questions for each other from both sides. Questions on daily routines or on preferences. I know so many couples not asking questions anymore, because they think they know everything. They rely on their intuition, their own life experience and from what they consider having learned about other people. But people change concepts, goals and needs – and asking is a friendly way of meeting them. My observations towards my autistic couple always were subtitled with the words ‘respect’ and ‘compassion’, when questions filled the space.

attention

From my working background, I can say, that physical interaction in our society happens in a very confusing way. We shake hands with close friends or we have sex with strangers we don’t know their name.  We all consider ourselves to “know” how sexuality and touch work out – even though every’body’ consists of completely different needs and feelings. I often met people – men and women alike -, who proudly presented me their counting list of sexual contacts which would award them as heroes in bed. What I often miss about these explanations were terms of ‘listening’ and ‘empathy’, which I personally consider as the most important traits for love and sexuality. I learned that empathic touch in relationships demands a lot of asking. For my autistic friends, touch was a completely new territory, they never walked on before. Observing their physical interaction often reminded me on walking on Martian surface – packed with curiosity and attention.

acceptance

“Yes, my boyfriend has this absolutely weird behavior. I need to make him stop it.” I hear these kinds of sentences so many times. People with autism are often judged showing atypical behaviors, such as counting things or following very strict routines. What I would observe following the autistic couple in my group was that they would absolutely value the other one’s weird behavior. When I asked them about it, they would answer: “Because it is important!”

All in all, my autistic friends introduced me to soft qualities I sometimes would love to see increase in our daily life. I believe we should appreciate and respect love (or even friendship) as a great gift and not as a constant way of consuming things.

If one would ask me, how people with autism love, I would sum it up like this: No Tinder. No Fast-Food-Love. No fake expertise. But listening to each other.

visions on virtual worlds

some thoughts&perspectives on Virtual Reality and how technology could inspire humanity.

My first experience in virtual reality happened on an open day of my former working place – the German Aerospace Center. One of the departments had built up a VR-installation for simulation trainings in extreme environments. I was supposed to explore a human habitat on a Martian surface through the glasses of an Oculus Rift. I ended up completely fascinated by turning around my head in a 360degress perspective, but also motion sick due to the lack of coordination between my vision and my actual movements. 

VEMES experiment/astronaut training (c)OeWF

 

From there on, the technology infrequently popped up in my life. During a Mars simulation we trained our astronauts using VR and I remember reveling an intense discussion with a colleague about reality and augmentation. Another time a friend of mine visited me with his VR-glasses and I ended up crashing into my desk because I tried to catch a donut in my virtual environment.

Some time ago, I randomly read an article about Virtual Reality saying that the first glasses for private use will be on sale soon. I started wondering if this technology will become as usual as the usage of my smartphone – and I am certain, it will be.

testing VR in extreme environments (c) OeWF

New technologies shape a high diversity of perspectives – in good and in bad ways. I could name some of the associations I have regarding VR: gaming, sensory stimulation, addiction, augmented sports events, astronauts calling home, flow, architecture, flight simulations, porn, isolation and shared environments. 

blocks and chairs

Sometimes current VR-software reminds me of the computer my parents used to have when I was a child. I could sit for hours in front our screen sparkled with small stars and follow a perception my brain was not used to. Today’s VR-tools somehow show us the same applications – just using blocks. Many scenarios include a short duration and easy tasks – such as jumping, flying, running away or just watching. Nevertheless, excitement arises once we start using it!

I am lucky to be part of a university project investigating the effects of virtual reality on people, who have never experienced any of it yet. In our project we research how VR influences physical and self-perception and how the feeling or immersion changes if we can impact our virtual environment.

into immersion

physicality in VR

Immersion – a term which will be a part of our future in virtual worlds. The word describes the feeling of transit from ones real reality into the virtual one.

I remember one day in our lab, where my colleague gave me the glasses including a Leap Motion Controller, which allows me to impact my environment by using my hands. I could form small or bigger blocks and build towers. Therefore the movement of my hands would be transmitted via an infrared camera, causing the result that my embodied perspective opened the door towards an immersive experience. I stopped listening to my colleagues’ conversation surrounding me and lost track of the time. What I would now call ‘reality’ contained about twenty different grey cubes, which I would nudge around the space. 

including impact

What supported my perception of virtuality as reality was that I did not only experience an embodied perspective, in which my body would walk around in a new environment. Being active and obtaining the possibility to impact my environment created the illusion of being embedded in this world. 

During my education as a body therapist I learned that these two aspects – being embedded and embodied – describe the core possibilities of interaction humans can experience. If either the feeling of a healthy embodiment or the need to belong is inhibited or destroyed, mental diseases might occur. Virtual Reality produces a stadium of embeddedness into any kind of environment. This can support illusionary concepts, but also allow learning and fulfilling desire.     

Blocks//LeapMotion

future steps towards the ancient

Changing our environment allows us to change our perspective. We might be able to enter spaces we usually would not reach using our capacities. One is – to enter another human body. How would it feel to be taller, smaller, bigger, thinner, male, female, in between? How would it feel if I would be you? And if I would learn to walk in your physical shoes – would I be able to learn about your feelings and thoughts? The theories behind the concept of ‘Embodiment’ state that during our lifespan we incorporate all our experiences, which shapes our way of physically entering this world. Would incorporation support understanding of each other?

Humans already change their perspectives in a mental way – this is what we call ‘empathy’. Empathy allows us to feel what another person feels and opens the door towards a compassionate reaction, if we choose to do so. Among Buddhism concepts mindfulness and compassion are described as one of the core concepts towards a common humanity. Could Virtual Reality be used to increase these effects and support understanding and empathy among humans?

what inspires me is to combine thousand year old Buddhism concepts of mindfulness and compassion with future technologies such as Virtual Reality.

impacting environments via LeapMotion

I am not the first person to share these thoughts. The performance artists BeAnotherLab invented an installation called ‘the machine to be another’ to investigate the same concept. Two people face each other using VR-glasses while receiving the video feed of the other person. In their performances the artists ask the people to synchronize their movements and apply all kind of tasks to their test subjects. The result is an astonishing performance supporting the idea of shaping empathy through virtual worlds.  

Synchronization and rhythm always played an important role in human interactions. Tribal dances occur all over the world, cultures share songs and languages (which can also be viewed as synchronized movement as well). In my movement classes I love to use synchronization as a method to build up teams and increase group cohesion. Virtual Reality would allow me to leave the physical space and connect people all over the planet.

I could use the technology to communicate between lovers, cultures or coworkers. I could use the technology to make people on earth understand how astronauts feel in space. I could use the technology to show German children how to people in Africa live. I could use the technology to leave my own physical body and enter another one. And I would use the technology to inspire our basic need for belonging and understanding we all share.

worth reading

•   FUCHS, T. (2010). Der Schein des Anderen. Zur Phänomenologie virtueller Realitäten. BOHRER, CLEMENS & SCHWARZ-BOENNEKE, BERNADETTE (HG.): Identität und virtuelle Beziehungen im Computerspiel. München (KoPaed), 59-73.

• Falconer, C. J., Slater, M., Rovira, A., King, J. A., Gilbert, P., Antley, A., & Brewin, C. R. (2014). Embodying compassion: a virtual reality paradigm for overcoming excessive self-criticism. PloS one, 9(11), e111933.

worth surfing 

• BeAnotherLab – the machine to be another - www.themachinetobeanother.org

• TedTalk by Chris Milk “the ultimate empathy machine” https://www.ted.com/talks/chris_milk_how_virtual_reality_can_create_the_ultimate_empathy_machine?language=de

•  HyperReality – how the world could end up using VR (very pessimistic!) - www.hyper-reality.co

• EVENTlab//MelSlater (check the publication list!) - www.event-lab.org

Tango statt Tränen

warum Therapie mehr sein sollte, als ein abstrakter Raum für trübe Gefühlswelten
 

Meine erste therapeutische Erfahrung habe ich mit circa 15 Jahren gemacht. Sie fand zwar nicht beim Therapeuten, sondern in einer abgerockten Hinterhoffabrikhalle statt  - aber ihre Auswirkungen auf mein weiteres Leben, würde ich als therapeutisch bezeichnen. Ich war das, was mit 15 viele Menschen sind: latent aggressiv, emotional unkoordiniert und trotzdem träumerisch. Unsere Theaterchoreographin war eine junge Brasilianerin mit sehr großem Herz und nonverbalem Gespür für Menschen. Eines Tages bat sie mich, früher als die anderen zur Probe zu kommen. Sie drückte mir einen großen, alten Bühnenvorhang in die Hand und forderte mich auf ihn zu zerschlagen. Ich griff nach dem Vorhang und schleuderte ihn minutenlang immer wieder auf den Boden, bis der Schweiß von meiner Haut perlte. Obwohl ich mich verausgabte, veränderte ich die Struktur des Vorhangs nicht. Erschöpft brach ich über dem Boden zusammen, spürte, wie sich die Arme unserer Choreographin um mich legten. Ich glaube, wir saßen eine Stunde so da. Danach war das mit der Aggression vorbei. 

Heute weiß ich: das was damals in diesem Raum geschehen war, beinhaltete eine Wirkung, die mein ganzes Leben prägen würde. In diesem tatsächlichen Moment allerdings, verstand ich gar nichts.

So geht es wohl vielen Menschen, die eine Therapie machen.

Wenn ich mich an meine selbstrelevanten Ziele als 15jährige erinnere, sahen sie folgendermaßen aus: ich wollte cool aussehen und dabei einer Gruppe angehören. Das Theater bot mir genau diese Möglichkeiten: ich lernte Bewegungen, die im gesellschaftlichen Kontext als „cool“ bewertet wurden, und war dabei auch noch Teil einer Gruppe. Interesse an persönlicher Entwicklung oder Selbsterfahrung? Das konnte ich damals bei mir absolut nicht entdecken.

wie Therapie manchmal sein kann

Heute, rund 10 Jahre später, bin ich Körpertherapeutin. Ich tue das, was unsere Choreographin mit mir gemacht hat, mit vielen anderen Menschen. Die Erfahrungen haben sich in meinen Körper eingebrannt, mit den Jahren habe ich sie reflektieren gelernt. Ich weiß, warum es sinnvoll ist Theatervorhänge auf dem Boden zu zerdeppern. Aber aus meiner eigenen Erfahrung weiß ich auch, dass das nicht alle Leute verstehen. Menschen, die sich nie umgehend mit Therapie beschäftigt haben, verstehen Therapie vielleicht nicht. Einfach, weil sie es nie gebraucht haben. Trotzdem kann es passieren, dass sie an einem Punkt im Leben stehen, an dem sie Therapie benötigen.

In meiner heutigen Arbeit bieten sich mir oft Bilder, die ich als ironisch bezeichnen würde: Topmanager, die Körbe flechten sollen. Mütter von vielen Kindern, die ihr Leben in drei Farben auf A1 Bögen bringen. Aggressive Schwerverbrecher, die mit bunten Tüchern spielen. Oft habe ich mich gefragt, ob der jeweilige Mensch mit der jeweiligen Biographie dahinter versteht, was er da eigentlich tut. Ganz oft habe ich eine Antwort erfahren: Nein!

Wir sind Therapeuten. Wir sind dorthin gekommen, weil uns irgendwann die Idee für dieses Konzept so sehr überzeugt hat, dass wir uns dem gewidmet haben. Und ganz oft automatisch allem, was dahinter steckt: leise gesprochenen Sätzen, andächtigem Nicken und tiefsinnigen Gedanken. Oft habe ich mich gefragt, wie sehr das mit der Lebenswirklichkeit vieler Menschen da draußen überhaupt korrespondiert. Ist Therapie vielleicht ein surrealer Raum, geprägt von Weichspüler und virtuellen Milchschaumwelten?

Ich erinnere mich an Momente aus meiner Therapieausbildung, die ich wirklich langweilig empfand. Ich sollte in Übungen minimale Bewegungen andeuten – etwas, was ich in meiner Freizeit niemals tun würde. Wenn ich Bewegungen ausführe, dann soll das auch richtig sein, nicht nur pro forma. Es soll „Klettern“ oder „Tanzen“ oder „Schwimmen“ heißen. Und nicht „Therapie“. Wenn ich tanze, dann entsteht durch das Erlernen der Bewegung, durch das Schwitzen zur Musik und das absolute Versinken in der Tätigkeit ein Flow. Ich vergesse dann alles um mich herum, und lebe den Moment. Das passiert nicht, wenn ich meinen Arm in die Luft halte und ein bisschen wedele. Natürlich haben auch kleine, segmentierte Bewegungen ihren Sinn – aber den muss man erstmal verstehen lernen. Heute bin ich dankbar dafür, die Erfahrung des Nichtverstehens erlebt zu haben.

Mit der Therapie ist es wie mit der Kunst: man muss lernen, sie zu verstehen. Für jemanden, der sich mit Kunst auseinandersetzt ist es einfach sich vor ein komplexes Gemälde zu stellen und es zu begreifen. Für mich ist es: ich stehe davor. Schön oder nicht schön. Mehr habe ich nicht gelernt. Bei Musik ist es das Gleiche: komplexe Klassik motiviert mich nicht zur Reflexion, sondern erzeugt Dissonanz, die mich eher abschreckt. In solchen Momenten, in denen ich in Bereiche eintauche, die zu komplex für mich funktionieren, denke ich dann an meinen Patienten, den Topmanager. Er soll Körbe flechten, ohne die tiefere Bedeutung davon intrinsisch begriffen zu haben. Ja, ich habe vielleicht durch jahrelange Ausbildung und Erfahrung das Konzept von Achtsamkeit und von Momentaufnahmen des Lebens erlernt. Sollte man die Menschen nicht deshalb dort abholen, wo sie gerade stehen? Und ist das bei dem Manager nicht eher am Börsenkurs anstatt beim Korbflechtmaterial?

Warum suchen wir unseren Menschen also nicht Bewegungsformen, die ihnen wirkliche Freude bereiten? Dazu müssen wir keine neuen, therapeutisch angelehnten Pseudobewegungen etablieren, sondern dürfen ruhig auf das vertrauen, was seit Jahrhunderten Menschen glücklich macht – Tanz, Spiel, Laufen, Springen, Schwimmen oder Klettern.Therapie kann deshalb in der Kletterhalle stattfinden, im Café, auf der Straße oder in der Kneipe.

Ich glaube an die intrinsische Motivation des Lernens. Menschen lernen gerne – und die beste Therapie kann genau daraus bestehen in einen Prozess aus Lernen einzutauchen, in dem Erfahrungen gemacht werden, die der Realität des Menschen entsprechen. Der idealen Realität eines Menschen entspricht nicht, in einem Therapieraum zu sitzen und dort im Stuhlkreis hockend Gefühle zu benennen. Der Realität des Menschen entspricht in diese Welt eingegliedert zu sein – auf seine individuelle Weise. Manche gehen dafür in Vereine, andere bleiben eher für sich – und sind damit trotzdem Teil dieser Gesellschaft.

wie Therapie sein sollte

Ich habe das Gefühl, dass wir in der Therapie oft vor Mitgefühl zerfließen. Therapie kann cool sein, sollte manchmal sogar cool sein, Spaß machen und Menschen zum Lachen bringen. Therapie ist der erste Raum, in dem neue Erfahrungen stattfinden können – also auch positive. Ein therapeutischer Raum sollte die Vielfalt des Lebens und seine Ironie erlauben können. Und das Leben zeigt uns oft, wie dicht Leid neben Liebe steht, welche Rolle Nähe, Verbundenheit, Wut oder Spontaneität bedeuten können. Dazu gehört auch, dass Therapie mal laut, ruppig und plump erscheint. Und, dass diese Fülle sein darf und auch schön so ist. 

Ich habe die Erfahrung gemacht, dass Menschen nicht das Bedürfnis nach Heilung bei mir suchen, sondern den Wunsch nach Entfaltung verspüren. Einen ruhigen, sicheren Raum zum Entdecken, zum Ausprobieren. Am meisten lernen die Menschen, wenn wir sie nicht therapieren, sondern sie einladen ihr Wissen über sich selbst zu erweitern. Wir, therapeutisch arbeitende Menschen sollten die ersten sein, die zu dieser Reise einladen, und mit einem Lächeln sagen: Komm einfach mit!